The Secret Garden of uneasy vacations

It's November 13th 2009, my heart feels heavy and my mind a blur. Today was my sister's graduation from basic training, the whole reason why my mother and I flew 16 and a half hours. When I first saw her yesterday at family day, I couldn't even recognize her; she looked amazing, dignified unlike the old image of her. So here is the story..

November 12th 2009.
We woke up at 6:30am, we felt rushed because we wanted to leave the hotel at 7am, get breakfast downstairs and head on towards Fort Jackson by 7:30am. We left the hotel at 7:25am and realized my ID was missing, so we rushed back to the hotel with my mother running red lights and zooming through stop signs. I got my ID and reached Fort Jackson by 8am, we realized that we can't see her until 1030am so we sat at BurgerKing and killed 30 minutes, then we parked in front of Solomon Center; which is where the family day ceremony was held and where she would be meeting us, and sat there until 9:30am. it was 45 degrees out side with rain and wind so it felt much colder.
When it was time, we headed in and saw the Charlie company (my sister's company) and the Delta company do a little ceremony-- their song that they sang when they marched. It was so crowded and of course people laughed at me when I screamed "CHHHHEEEHOOOO". For those of you who don't know, that's Hawaii's version of "OOOWWWWW".
I saw her and I couldn't believe my eyes, she was a totally different person. My eyes filled with uncontrollable tears and my nose started to run, my heart beating fast and all I can think was "Oh my gosh, I'm so proud of her."
We met her friend; Faith Klein (I don't remember the spelling) and I saw an old friend, took pictures and met all of her new family. It was a day filled with joy, laughter, tears and hugs. Until I remembered that we have to tell her about grandma. Then my day became up and down with emotional roller coaster rides. We spent that day shopping for necessities, Fort Jackson is so huge that many people including us got lost, they even have a water park in there! We were going to tell her about grandma's passing but she was with all of her friends; we just didn't have the heart to tell her. That night we said our good-byes and sent her back to her barracks.
She texted me directions and knowing my sister, she was worried we'll get lost or not make it on time. I took her advice to heart and made sure we were prepared.

November 13th 2009. Graduation
This day is the day that I'll never forget in my life. It was a privilage for me to attend this event and I'm so greatful that I got to witness this honorable day. The graduation was moved out doors due to the surprisingly amount of families that showed up, at 48degrees we sat on metal bleachers, waiting anxiously until our soldiers made their way. They stood on the field for 1 hour and 30 minutes until the ceremony began, they looked so cold that I wanted to run over there and give her my jacket. The marching band's music started off the soldiers march towards us, the ceremony was short but really sweet. The graduates made their way towards us and I was so proud of every single one of them, even though I have never met them ever in my life, I was proud of them. I saw her marching in front of me and I screamed my butt off.
We ended up going to a book store to get some books for her and her friends, and we got lost on our way to Olive Garden, we wasted 3 hours trying to find it and almost 2 hours at the restraunt.
I was so upset that we had to go there because we wanted to spend it with her alone. My sister still didn't know about grandma so we wanted to rush back to the hotel and spend the last hours we had with her talking about our experiences. We had to take her back at 8:30pm and we left the hotel at 5:30pm. We starting driving on the freeway and realized that we don't recognize any land marks or road signs. We were trying to go to Two Notch Rd but ended up in a dark, scary split road in the middle of no where. 8 o'clock was nearing and we had no idea where to go or where to ask for help. My sister needed to get back in order to go to her AIT in Texas. Usually my sister would blame everyone for getting the directions wrong, curse at the driver, yell that we don't know what we are doing and just freak out before anything happened. But she stayed calm, when she panicked she picked herself up and made sure we got some help, she called 911 and asked for directions, if we can make it back on time, called her sargeant and explained our situation.
Totally different person; a soldier.
We eventually ended up finding our way back to the hotel and we packed her luggage with food and clothes that we brought from home. Then she picked up an envelope of pictures and said "What's this?"
Her next words were "Oh my god"
And the tears came racing down her cheeks. She said she had a feeling that something was wrong but she didn't want to believe it. We explained to her briefly about what happened, what we saw, smelt and experienced.
She apologized, "Maybe I shouldn't have gone to the military then maybe things would have been easier for you mom."
We spent a short amount of time mourning, it stopped when my sister dried her tears and held us tight. Her warmth still lingers in my arms, my neck and my forehead. I never realized how tiny she was, her hands smaller than mine, her height shorter than mine and her face much slimmer than mine. That tiny little thing went to the army, something that we never thought would happen, and she made it.

That's when I realized how much the Army has changed her, she's someone that I can't even recognize. This trip was worth the ride, even with the annoying kid who kept kicking my seat and my mom's bad driving, everything was worth it. The bad meals, the 7 hour rest I had since tuesday, the stress about leaving behind work and school, everything was worth it. Before she left to the Army, I was so mad at her, she was always picking fights, saying mean things, blowing up on people and just being crazy. After she left and I was filling in for her job, I experienced first hand what it felt like and I too, became that person.
I realzed how much I missed her and how much my life would be incomplete without her, especially after my grandmother's death. And how proud of I am to be her sister and to have a sister like her, who would go to the Army to support her family, she's had such a hard life and I understand how difficult life has been for her. I miss her terribly and I await that day til I get to see her again.

The Secret Garden of a superwoman

One day I sat down to watch this show called The Secret Life of Women and it was absolutely bizarre! They are ordinary looking women who live out of the ordinary lives. Then it got me thinking about my own mother, how was her life?

She came to Hawaii with nothing to her name and two daughters to take care of. I remember I used to stay up til 10 at night until she came home so I can see her, I went to school at 8 in the morning while she went to work at 9am. I was only 8 years old so I went to bed early, but if I didn't stay up to see her i would be able to see her at all. She went to work and studied to become an acupuncturist, a career that was forced upon her by her husband at the time who only planned to use her brains to do the work while he counted the money. About 6 months after we landed in Hawaii she dominated the house and was obligated to start paying bills. Her work didn't pay her; it was more like an internship. With a troubled head over her shoulders she decided that she needs to finish her studies in order to put food on the table. About 3 years later she graduated with her masters degree in Oriental Medicine and Acupuncture, she actually graduated a year early because she was the only student in her school to have scored a perfect 100 on her license exam. Her professors begged her to stay longer thinking that she will fail- how was this middle aged Korean women who can barely speak English pass this difficult exam in English?

But she did it.

I can't ever forget the time she told me about her exam day.
She went to the gas station on her way to the exam, about 6:30pm, it was raining hard and she was in such a rush to get there that she forgot her wallet at the gas station. Half way to the school she turned the car around to look for her wallet; no where to be found. All of her credit cards, ID and information was there. But she still decided to take her test, if she didn't she would have to wait another year to take it. She walked through the doors and the exam has already begun, all the other students were half way done with their exams.

She sat down in an empty seat and was soon approached by her professor, "You don't have to do this, you can do it later. Or you can take this in Korean." She shook her head and said that she will take the exam in English and she will take it now.

My mother sat her things down next to her and looked at her test; tears went racing down her cheeks when she couldn't remember the things that she's been studying so hard for so long.

The next part was a blur, she remembers being the last to turn in her test and the professors waited for her to finish.

She was the only one out of everyone else that got a perfect score and she took in English language.

I am so proud of her and the only regret I have is that I wish I took more pictures of her graduation.

I have always considered her my superwoman, no matter what came her way to break her down she stood her ground. In my eyes she was unstoppable, unbeatable and immortal. There was nothing that she couldn't do. Now she has her own clinic that she's always dreamed of and today she had her first interview for the KHON2 news station about alternative ways of swine flu prevention. To know that I am her daughter, that I have her blood running through my veins brings me great courage; that I too, will overcome any obstacles that come along my way.

We are all superwomen inside, whether we are recognized by our good deeds and miraculous achievements or be thanked by our family members, we are superwomen.

The Secret Garden of ex-boyfriends we despise

At first they just blow us away with the numerous amount of red roses, romantic dinners, late night car rides to look at stars, the complements on our outfits, the shopping sprees, the hugs and kisses, then BAM! They show their true self.


The unshaved faces, burping, farting, yelling, the never ending demands for food, showing us off in front of their friends, the mood swings, constantly telling us to stop our whining (which we don't), yelling at us to change our outfits because he doesn't want other guys to stare, their clingyness, the check-up-on-you phone calls every half hour when we out with our girlfriends, the "why aren't you texting me back" text messages, and the damn TV permanently playing ESPN.

The loving, caring guy we fell in love with just fades away along with the feelings we had for them so the fighting begins and so do the childish games. Eventually after a long, brutal war it ends, it all ends.

I definitely had my share of bad boyfriends and in the end I don't ever regret the experiences I had with them because if they didn't treat me badly, I would have never known what a good, healthy relationship will feel like.

One time when breaking up with a boyfriend I told him that I felt like he behaved differently when we are alone and when we are with his friends, that I felt like he was only nice to me when we were wit his friends and he was really loving in front of them. These were his words "I don't know like, all the guys they act like I can't get one chick and like they all tell me that you're hot and I want to show them like hey I can get one hot chick and like she stay with me."
SO.... what the hell does that mean?

It hit me hard because I liked him a lot but he only considered me as a trophy girlfriend. And honestly, I should have known that he was a jerk when all his guy friends made it a game to see if they can steal me away from him.

I realized that the people that he liked to surround himself around speaks for themselves. Not one of them were descent, they all were into drinking and partying. At one point I had to sit in a car while his friend drove me home while intoxicated. Of course at 16 I had no car so he was my only way of getting home, then he decides to drop me off home last even though my house was closer than everyone else's house. It's really frightening to sit in a car with a drunk guy who kept trying to make passes at me, because he was intoxicated I wasn't sure if he was going to hit me.

Now that I look back on it, all of my ex-boyfriends were jerks and so immature.

I mean, what's wrong with the way we dress? If I wear a V-neck all hell breaks loose. There's yelling and cussing, but that's nothing compared to the fights that we girls have to have with them when we wear skirts. We are not stupid, we are not going to sit with our legs open! Why is it that guys get so angry when we wear shorts but we don't yell at them for walking around with their shirts off. IT'S THE SAME THING!!

Another time, I had this ex-boyfriend who kept walking around with his shirt off, wherever we went, there it went- his shirt went flying off up over his head and to his back seat. Even to the mall, or to Safeway. Then he would yell at me for wearing a shirt that made my boobs look big. Okay damn it I have boobs, deal with it. I couldn't understand at the time but when we broke up he said that most of the time he felt like he wasn't getting enough attention so he felt like he had to tone me down.

Why is it that I kept going out with losers with low self esteem?


I don't consider myself to be overly good looking or talented, I'm average, ordinary and I like that.



I left Korea when I was about 8 years old so I attended 1st grade for about a month there, on my first day of school I had a traumatic incident where I had to go use the girl's room and two boys from my school followed me to the bathroom and tackled me to the floor. One of them jumped on top of me and tried to kiss me or whatever he was trying to do and his friend was holding me down. So once in a while I still get scared that someone will tackle me in a bathroom.


Ever since then I didn't want to be noticed or seen, I went though a tomboy phase for god sakes. I wore boy jeans and t-shirts.


The past relationships that we all had that were horrible was actually a blessing in disguise, we learned, matured and it made us realize that there are bigger and better fishes out there. That even though we get hurt and we can't get back up quickly, we will be okay.


Better than okay, we'll be Grrrrreeeaaaaat!

ENOURJANGOUS THANKS TO EVERYONE!

i really want to thank everyone who read my blogs and said some really nice thing about it. To me it's an outlet to channel my feelings and thoughts based on the events that occur in my life and has occurred in my life but you all took it to the heart. I really appreciate all the support.
It encourages me to write more and more.

Once again, thank you so very much. The simple sentences like "You are an amazing writer" and "You have a talented way of expressing your thoughts and feelings" really keeps me full with gratitude that I'm about to explode!

Last week has been really tough and this week is even harder.

So my mother and I would like to thank everyone who comforted us and assured us that things will be okay, we are touched by your kindness. Every day we get home we think about everything you all have done for us and it keeps us going.

We love and care for you all so very much and thank you. From the bottom of our hearts.

A COLUMN TO SHARE

--this is just a column I wrote a while ago but didn't get published, it was something that I really wanted to share and discuss.




Rotten Apple of the Heart; pick it now or let it devour the soul

By: Sunnie Kim
STAFF WRITER


Growing up I barely had any problems with bullies or being picked on, I always watched by when a friend was getting pushed upon and sometimes stepped in when it got too rough. I never witnessed someone get severely injured so punishing the bully never crossed my mind until recently I heard about my co- worker’s son being bullied.

Jack* is in the 7th grade and couple days ago he was late coming home from school so when my co-worker asked why he was late he merely recognized his mother and ran upstairs. Later she found out that he got beaten by a school bully that afternoon at a bus stop when Jack* refused to give him his allowance money. At dinner that night Jack* refused to eat because he couldn’t chew; his two bottom back teeth was broken on his right side. His explanation for the incident was that he missed the bus so while he was waiting the bully came and threatened him for his money. When he replied that he doesn’t have any on him the bulldozer clobbered him and ran off. In a panic, Jack* walked back to his school and washed out his bloody mouth at the nearest water fountain then caught the next bus home. Jack also told his parents that this isn’t the first time this has happened; for many months the bully would throw him around during recess, verbally abuse him and it came no surprise to me that he’s bullied other students also.

The next day Jack and his dad went to the school and the police came. After filing a police report, the police asked other students if they have been harassed also and came to a conclusion that they will do further research on the boy when they couldn’t get in touch with his father upon Jack’s request. The question is, should the school and police leave all the decisions to the 12 year old? I believe that the school should take the initiative and do the background search with or without his request because what if he is being abused at home and learned to take out his anger on other kids?

Of course Jack* is going to say that he doesn’t want to take any action because he’s just a 12 year old and he’s scared. That’s why the police needs to step in and assign the bully to attend mandatory psychotherapy sessions. If the kid can beat up another classmate that badly and have the nerve to lie about it, he should be put into therapy. Lastly, the fact that he’s a minor shouldn’t excuse him from getting punishment, give him community service at least! Detention and suspension is not enough, an authoritative action needs to be taken or else he’s going to think that he can get away with beating kids up. Something needs to be done and it needs to be done now.

The Secret Garden of losing a grandparent

The phrase "Never forget where you come from" really has a deeper meaning. When we forget where we come from we forget who we are, where our features came from and where we are most ourselves at.

Recently I flew back to my home land where I was born and raised by my grandparents until I was 7 years old, my mother and I received news that my grandmother was in the emergency room in critical condition. Until I got there it never really hit me that she was in a bad condition, the moment we got off the plane we zoomed off to the hospital. There I greeted my poor grandfather who was drowned in tears and I walked in to the room where my grandma was. Her body was covered under a thin blanket which only showed an outline of her; her stomach was extremely over sized and her body was so fragile that just by grazing her arm I felt like I was causing her enormous amount of pain. Her left hand was black and swollen, I could see the marks left over from the stabbing of needles, little drops of blood was trickling down slowly under the saran wrap like material that was holding the needle in place.

It felt different to see her that way, my grandmother was a strong person, a person who never gave in to pain and always held on for the very last fight, she was a trooper, a fighter, she was my hero.

The doctor said that she was unconscious and she showed no signs of movement but when we stood by her bedside and told her that we were here she moved her left hand and tapped mine. Just like when she tapped my mom's hand with her left foot when she told her that she was here to see her.

As I sit in my room reminiscing the memories of my time with her I have a lot of regrets, how I could have been more nice to her, spend more time with her, call her every Sundays, and involve her more in my life are all the things that I could have done. One thing I know I did correctly was telling her that I love her, every time I called her, I told her that I love her because I had a friend who always told her mom that she loved her when they hung up the phone. She wasn't a very good friend but she taught me something; tomorrow is unpredictable so express our love for the ones we secretly care for the most so that way when they leave our side they know how we felt about them.

I gained so much knowledge about myself from this experience, that being an adult is not as glamorous as it's advertised to be. Being an adult meant holding my grandfather while he shed his tears, being a shoulder to cry on for my mother, accompanying the adults as we held my grandmother's icy cold body for the last time, seeing the limp lifeless body that's supposed to be censored for the young eyes, watch helplessly as they slid my grandmother's corpse into the cremation oven, and being in front row to see her bronze skeleton row out of the chamber after the process. Being an adult meant there was no mercy for the eyes, I had to endure the raw images along with the cruel reality of death. Being an adult meant giving empty hugs and kisses to those who never cared from the start and biting my tongue when I wanted to curse them for faking their tears. For my young age at 18 I saw what most people can only see in movies, it was painful but it helped me mature.

So remembering where we came from is an important thing to remember. My hair, eyes and body structure came from my grandmother. Her silky smooth hair stood out like a sore thumb in the old pictures, the complements I get on my features are all thanks to her.

Before I left Korea I promised her that I'm not going to cry anymore, crying will just drain my energy and only bring sadness. I promised to stand tall with my chin up and keep marching forward, to live the life that was given to me by mother, and accomplish everything that I want to accomplish. I promised to make her proud and show everyone that this is who I am and that I can be even more, I am my grandmother's granddaughter and she raised me to be the best I can be. To not let my tongue spit poison but let my actions rise above those who try to bring me down.

Yes, I've learned a lot from my grandmother's passing and like I mentioned before.. time is a precious, precious thing. Time will not wait and it will not show compassion. time will ride on without accommodation. Which is why within this short period of time that we have here on Earth we must grasp the moment, live every second to our fullest and give our all at everything we do.

My grandmother's death was unavoidable, it was going to happen now or later. But I truly feel that it gave me a new perspective on life. I still have a lot more years to go and I'm going to live it well.

The Secret Garden of losing loved ones

It's 10:48pm and I will be boarding tomorrow at 12 noon to Korea to see my grandma. I never lost a loved one before, well actually someone so close to me before. So such thoughts like "Is she going to be okay?" and "I wonder how she looks like?" keeps running through my head like a NIKE commercial. Usually I like to keep these kind of things private but I decided to share this experience with those who have not yet lost someone.

The tremendous amount of fear is the very first thing that runs through my veins, mainly because I honestly don't know how it will feel. My boyfriend's grandfather passed away and I was there to comfort him and tell him that he's in a better place. Of course I couldn't fully understand what he was feeling or how to comfort him because I have never had a family member or anyone pass away.

I have lost many people, not in that kind of sense but in other ways. I've lost numerous friends to drugs, alcohol addiction and even prostitution. Growing up I saw first hand how a person sways and fall down the wrong path.

My best friend in 6th grade was a real goody two shoes, she never cursed and she NEVER littered. One time we gotten into a really big fight due to my careless littering of a gum wrapper, for god's sake it's a gum wrapper. She came from a descent Hawaiian family, they were tight and always cared for one another. They were well mannered, respectful and very understanding. Her parents always set the best examples possible for her and she followed very well. Then slowly she began to feel low and restless thinking that people hate her. She had a very small flaw, she had a tear drop size of a mole on her ear that was easily covered up by her long black hair. This never bothered me, I didn't find it gross or anything. But the other girls who I hung out with thought differently.

I socialized with girls who mainly cared about their looks rather than the grades they got on their exams, that cared more about who's dating who and what designer brand was most popular that season. So when we started to reach that point in our lives where there was rivalry between girls, they attacked the most vulnerable from the herd.

Boy, did they tear her apart, they played dirty and always got away with it. No matter how hard I tried to defend her and make the other girls see that she's no different that any of us, they ganged up on her even more. So eventually she did "bad" things to fit in. The last I heard was that she was selling herself on the corner to get cash for heroine. Her mother called me and said i was forbidden from seeing her ever again, and just like that my best friend was taken away from me.

This is just one of the stories I wanted to share about how I lost my closest friend throughout the short years of my life. And none of them compares to the thought of losing my only grandmother. i know there are many others out there who wishes that they had more time with the ones that they've lost and I my heart goes out to them. I wish I had more time to love and appreciate her, I wish I spent more time with her when I had the chance.

Lesson learned: Never underestimate the importance of time. Time is like reefs in the ocean and the innocence planted in children. It's something that goes unnoticed, it's beauty is subtle and silent. It's even more precious than the 7 wonders of the world and the generations of mankind. If used wisely, time can be used to experience every experience, achieve the unachievable, believe in the unbelievable, and live the very life that was given to us to its magnificent best.
Without it, the joy we feel, the sadness we learn to endure, the hope we forever hold in our hearts, and the love we express for others are all meaningless. I ask myself "How can we do all of this without time?"

We can't.